We’ve all been there: trying to talk to a friend, family member, or senior citizen about making a small change only to find more resistance.
Why resistance happens
Most of us think, “Gosh, why are they so resistant?” But the truth is, if we look at the person as a whole, are they naturally always resistant? Or does our communication sometimes create that resistance?
Before I lose you with the idea of reflecting on your own communication skills, let’s discuss Thomas Gordan’s roadblocks to communication.
Most of the items listed on the “roadblocks to communication” list make sense. Giving someone an order can create resistance, but some of these common things, like giving advice, seem like they are great to do, right?
Let’s think about it: If you are struggling with a decision, you are going back and forth constantly, trying to weigh the pros and cons, and just feel unsure. But then someone comes up to you and says, easily and with a matter-of-fact attitude, “You should do this.” Does that make you want to do it? Or do you DEFEND WHY that is a hard choice, too?
Many of us appreciate well-meaning people sharing their advice, but often, it doesn’t go well. We want to come to our own conclusions, especially when it comes to the idea of making a major change. So, providing seniors with this opportunity is the best way to help them come to their own conclusions.
3 ways to reduce resistance to change
1) Tap into empathy
This is listed first for a reason. Stephen Covey said it best in his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, when he said, “Seek first to understand, before being understood.”
We often want to share what is on our minds, our insights, and our ideas. But we rarely slow down to ask others how they feel.
Imagine sitting down with a senior citizen. Instead of directing them on the next steps, you sit down and ask (with a heavy sigh and a compassionate tone), “How are you feeling about some of your recent health changes?” And then listen.
When you do have the opportunity to talk, try to put yourself in their shoes and in their brain to articulate what they are saying at a deeper level.
I remember working in a senior living community, and a senior citizen came in one day and said, “I hate that my kids brought me here; I don’t want to be around all these old people!”
I remember looking at him and saying in a compassionate tone of voice, “You don’t see anyone like yourself here.”
He said exactly.
I want to be clear: My intention in stating this was to empathize with where his brain was at, not to validate his feelings necessarily. But by putting myself in his shoes, I helped him feel heard and understood, which kept him in conversation with me.
2) Ask permission to share
Often, when people feel “resistant” to change, they fight for control. They want people to see that they are independent and are in control.
This simple tip is to ask permission before you share ideas, opinions, or advice.
This can sound like, “You’ve been struggling with keeping up the house. Lately, I’ve had some ideas on ways to help with that. Do you want me to share those with you?”
When we keep senior citizens in the driver’s seat, this builds engagement with them to continue the conversation.
3) Reflect on what they want
I teach reflective listening in most of my trainings and classes here at Calais Senior Consult. I’m a huge fan of it for a few reasons.
- It helps people to hear themselves. Since we are reflecting back on what they said in a different and often deeper way, people are looking in a mirror at themselves as they start to understand their own feelings on change.
- Reflective statements does not obligate a person to respond. Which tends to create more engagement. Think of it this way: if I were to ask you a question, let’s say, “What are your thoughts on the president?” In microseconds, your mind starts wondering, “Why is she asking me this? And, what will I say?” Reflective statements allow senior citizens the option to respond, not obligating them to respond.
So, how do we reflect what they want? Just like in tip #1, we have to put ourselves in their shoes, thinking from their brains rather than our own. As we think about how they feel, we can start to recognize what they might want.
Let’s take the same example from tip #1, the gentleman who didn’t want to be around all those “old” people.
You could say something like, “You are full of energy and want people around you that match that energy.”
OR
“You want to find a solution where you feel connected with people like people are similar to you in your energy and zest for life.”
OR
“You wish you were young again.”
All of these things are going to elicit more conversation around the thing you reflected.
#1: He’ll respond by talking about his high energy and wanting that, too.
#2: He is going to talk about how he wants to feel connected with people who are similar to him.
#3: He’s going to talk about his younger days.
But these are all things this senior citizen WANTS, which reduces resistance and builds engagement in the change conversation!
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